


I guess this is a suicide note

by UNICORNZWAG



Category: Banana Bus Squad
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Family, Family Feels, Flashbacks, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-30
Updated: 2019-03-30
Packaged: 2019-12-26 23:19:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18292220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UNICORNZWAG/pseuds/UNICORNZWAG
Summary: Johnathan finds something put away that he thought he would never have to think about again.





	I guess this is a suicide note

**Author's Note:**

> I think I tagged properly, but fair warning this piece hits me close to home. It uses portions from my own suicide note and has references to my own suicide attempt. Not graphic, but please DO NOT read if this will be triggering. I felt the need to write about my experience and made it into an H2OVanoss fic to share.

 

**Jonathan POV**

God I fucking hate paperwork. 

Seemingly thousands of old files worth of paperwork, dating back who knows how long. 

When the paperwork we needed for taxes got all jumbled together I'll never know, but we have got to organize all of this garbage. 

An old, bent, stained file. 

God why do we even keep this. What is even in this shit anyways. 

Eyes glaze as they scan the page on top. Deft fingers shake as it is pulled out of the folder.

Eyes rereading words I once had memorized. 

It’s almost cathartic going back to read what your mind was thinking at your absolute lowest moment. 

Knowing that you meant what you said, but trying to relish in the small moments of positivity that you had to search for. 

Feeling those tumultuous feelings once again, but looking at them through a different lens. 

Knowing the rippling impact a success to your plan could have had.

At the time, only your own pain and darkness mattered. 

No one else could feel what you felt or see what you saw. 

The heavy, exhausting weight dragging you down. The type that when you unravel it just digs hooks into flesh deeper and deeper until it is all consuming.

The red staining your hips and wrists could only do so much. 

 

_ “I guess this is a suicide note.” _

* * *

 

_ I don’t actually know if this will kill me and I feel so bad if I do get seriously hurt or die for whoever finds me. _

_ That’s an awful experience.  _

_ There are so many people I love and care for and want to have amazing lives.  _

_ I hate being selfish.  _

_ It’s one of the things I hate the most. _

_ I want to help people and be there for them, but sometimes I have to do things for me.  _

_ This is the one thing I need.  _

_ I just want to cease.  _

_ I love my sister more than anything.  _

_ Please, do amazing things and please, please live for both of us because I’m weak and I can’t do it anymore.  _

_ Evan, my love, please find someone better who loves you a fraction of the amount I love you and I’ll be so happy for you.  _

_ I’m not gonna write something specific to everyone in my mind because that would take years honestly.  _

_ I had an amazing run, but I really just want to go now.  _

_ I’m too scared of falling apart to let myself do that anymore than I already have.  _

_ I truly hope everyone who cares about me in any way can move on from this.  _

_All the love in the world,_

_ Jonathan _

* * *

 

I had done the deed, too many pills raking their way down my throat into my system.

Mental fog beginning to set in as my body got heavier and heavier as I drifted to where I thought I wanted to be.

Until a harsh ring pierced the fog just enough to hear the words of someone I love. 

Life is worth living even when it’s not. 

There is always another option. 

I had wondered if I had made a mistake as the stretcher that felt like a nightmare isolated and brought me to my own personal, sterile hell. 

Calls that made the ignorance and hatred of the world feel so much more impactful.

Finally, my angel guided me back to where I belong. 

It’s worth it to stay.

You are worth it, even if everything feels like it’s spinning and forcing you down.

You will find happiness here. 

It’s not your time yet.

It wasn't my time yet. 

Evan walks into the room and hugs me, reading over my shoulder. 

"Tax papers can wait. Do you want to get rid of that."

I hadn't realized I was crying until I choked on my words, nodding instead. 

He carefully takes the note from me and we head out hand in hand. 

"Hey kids, who wants to light a bonfire," Evan smirks and winks at me as two tiny joys barrel into him shrieking their assent. 

"Okay then, go get some fire wood!" He shouts pulling me outside by the hand. 

I watch the kids bright shining faces, as my angel husband works with them to safely start the fire. 

Once the fire is roaring and the kids have gone inside to grab marshmallows to roast, Evan holds the note out to me, "Ready babe?"

I don't know if I really am, but it feels right to be rid of that time. 

I still feel the darkness, but I'll never let it win again. 

I gently toss the sheet into the roaring flames. 

_ "I guess this i..." _

I watch the words burn away into ash, not sure what to feel. 

I turn when I hear the laughter of my kids. 

My kids who would be trapped in an awful foster system if not for me. 

I see the brightness in the eyes of my husband. 

My husband who would have been lost if he had to read that note a few hours later.

My husband who would have hated himself if he didn't decide to call me out of the blue one day. 

Back when we were both such troubled teens, trudging through so much darkness. 

We made each other light.

I look back at the fire and the note is completely destroyed. 

I guess that was my suicide note, but I don't need it anymore.

In hindsight I never needed it. 

**Author's Note:**

> Always open to notes in the comments. I really needed to give this a happy ending though.


End file.
